Dana's Coolest Sister

:::This is really bugging me:::

I live with my older brother and he wrote a letter to my sister, brother, and father. In it, he wrote some stuff that I cannot shake: that I did not pay the agreed upon $300/month and that I did not feed my children.

Wanting to move has nothing to do with Ricky and everything to do with the fact that I don't have a car. Marie, my childcare provider and cousin-in-law, lives somewhere with limited bus service, although they are supposedly supposed to add a few runs to the 19 Wilcrest. Ricky's house is in an area with limited bus service that keeps getting reduced. Since we have moved into this house, the bus service has been reduced at least three times. From the second job, if they let me go early at 8 or 8:30 pm, and I am catching the same buses I would have caught had I got off at 9pm. So, it would make sense to live close to the job and/or childcare or somewhere where I can take Charlize and Lourdes to Marie and get to work on time. That is what I did when I first started working. I didn't ask Ricky to take the girls until the bus service was reduced. Ricky has commented that he doesn't want to be late for work, he is not always gonna be at home. Marie told me Kennetta and her husband do not want Charlize and Lourdes to spend the night Monday through Saturday. Marie and I worked that out b/c then I wouldn't have to worry about getting them to her in the mornings, and riding on the bus with them after 10pm. Looks like that won't last long b/c I don't wanna cause problems for Marie. Hopefully, I will be able to find something within my limited budget.

The problem isn't that I want someone to save me...I never asked Ricky to be my knight in shining armor...truth be told I didn't confide at all in him about everything that I was feeling b/c I wanted to do everything myself, by myself...maybe that was unrealistic..basically what I asked Ricky for he provided: I needed a place to stay and he allowed me that. I am supposed to pay $150 towards electricity, $150 towards water. Before I was working, I remember writing Ricky checks that were, I think, $120. Didn't start working until 07/2005, and that was when I was supposed to start paying the $300. The first month I paid on the electricity, I made a $300 payment towards the electricity b/c there was a past due amount. I remember that. Went online as far back as I could go. October 2005 paid the $300 agreed upon amount. November 2005, I told Ricky I'd be late b/c I had to wait for a check from my dad to clear. Out of state checks take longer to clear the bank. Paid November in December 2005 on the second. I paid $300 toward electric to cover a past due amount and $150 towards the water. January 2006 I paid $250 towards electric to cover past due amount and I will pay on the water once I can deposit my 2nd job's check. So, if you want to say I didn't pay something, truthfully, I didn't pay the month of December; that is if you don't credit overpayments.

It was said that I wasn't feeding my children. Since when? I have always fed my children and there has never been a time when this house didn't have food. Supposedly, the girls were taken to their father b/c Ricky couldn't afford to feed them. When did he have to? I didn't stop buying groceries until Ricky told me that the refridgerator needed to be replaced and I was waiting for him to leave a note saying it is cool to put food in the 'fridge...when he left that note saying I needed to come up with some money to replace the refridgerator I had just bought some groceries 2/3 days before. (We didn't have to buy a new one b/c it was still under warranty.) Adrienne and Karina spent all of their Thanksgiving break with their father b/c I had to work that holiday. November I spent $70 buying what Mama B wanted me to purchase for Thanksgiving dinner and I made groceries for the house. Adrienne and Karina spent all of their Winter break with their father b/c I had to work. Christmas dinner was at Mama B's and we all were supposed to contribute $20. I did. December was the last month I made groceries groceries. When they got back from spending Christmas with their father, it was time for them to go to school. When I got home, I'd bring whatever Adrienne and Karina told me they wanted to eat. Ricky and Wilson wouldn't be there. It is only January 2006, so when did he have to feed them?

Ricky doesn't clothe my girls, buy diapers, wipes, etc. and I would not ask him to--that's not his responsibility...the problem is that I want to be able to do everything myself and hate myself that I cannot...It is not humanly possible for me to do everything that I want to do by myself, so, I guess, that makes me crazy for trying to do it alone anyway...I hate to ask for help when I need help with something that I consider my responsibility. Stressing myself out trying to do everything myself sends me into a downward spiral of depression. Once I am depressed, I lose interest in everything and everything is let go. Sometimes I can catch myself free-falling; most times I don't even realize that I'm at the edge of the precipice about to fall! Even though I know my triggers, I can go into a depressed state with nothing wrong. That is a common misconception about depression. "You have nothing to feel bad about, why are you down?" I just have to start taking better care of myself, so I can take better care of my children. I talked to Adrienne yesterday and she sounds so much happier. Karina is harder to read. But, I think the change is best for both of them. Adrienne told me they went to their father's new house. It's on a golf course and they get memberships to the country club. Because I had been thinking of letting Adrienne and Karina go to live with their father, I wasn't angry that Ricky took them to their father. I was angry that it was done without consulting me first. Adrian and I still need to sit down and talk about it, and we haven't gotten a chance yet with our conflicting schedules. Hopefully, we will get a chance to do that soon. Even though I know it is for the best, I still feel like a failure as a mother. I am the type of person that wants to be the primary caretaker, I want to have that daily interaction...Adrienne and Karina's grades were not as good this school year in part b/c I wasn't home when they got home from school to go over homework, answer questions, etc. like I did last school year. I do not like that I wasn't as hands-on, as available...now that Adrienne and Karina are out of the house, Wilson doesn't call after school. Usually after school it would go like this: First, Wilson would call. He'd tell me about his day and ask for whatever he wanted for a snack. Then Karina would call and tell me about her day. Then Adrienne would call from her cell. Now, no calls after school. Miss that.

posted by :::::::::::::kimya:::::::::::::::: @ 6:44 PM